My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
we did it you guys we saved daylight
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”