they should invent a type of situation that improves.
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I think this cat is broken
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty