*Inspirational Tweets*
You Might Also Like
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen