LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
#SuperBowl
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
And bowling should be called pinball
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.