Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed