every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Had an epiphany today.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee