When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
#Caturday
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels