If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I found your tweet-up…
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”