At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway