Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.