“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti