My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
SCARY COSTUME
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11