ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
This is a sub tweet
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
never ask a starfish for directions
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.