guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.