Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…