i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.