can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?