“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.