Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement