REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I told my vodka about you.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Super Hand Dog Face
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired