I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I support this random dude and all his protests
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The internet is magic sometimes.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or