If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
screw you
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life