I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
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if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.