I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Me irl
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first