RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Watson was Holmes schooled
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.