Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I only treason on days ending in y
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.