My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Simple
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.