9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?