1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
moms in horror movies
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.