i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
How dramatic are you?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep