Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT