May you never lose your sense of wonder.
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“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Well, this is awkward
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body