sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
You Might Also Like
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?