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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.