I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.