My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
You Might Also Like
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.