Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
You Might Also Like
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.