9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no