(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*