[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune