I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
this is the best day of my life
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Going into Monday like
Taliband
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking