“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans: