“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.