So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.