Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.