@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
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Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie