the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
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My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”