scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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Gross if literal…Liverpool
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
This could be us but you eatin’
Netflix and awkward silence?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
meanwhile over on facebook
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
That’s classic.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE