do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
You Might Also Like
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling