To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The three genders
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Möther may I have a snäck
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
#damn
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?